


it won't wash off

by NARUW0AH



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Flashbacks, Hatake Kakashi Needs a Hug, Hatake Kakashi is Not Okay, Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I was sad and took it out on this poor man, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Songfic, i don't know what this is, kind of?, triggering themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:34:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27222820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NARUW0AH/pseuds/NARUW0AH
Summary: Kakashi wakes up from a nightmare and then wishes he hadn't.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	it won't wash off

**Author's Note:**

> Listen to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVT9NVHQ7NU) while you read.

_ Hell raising, hair raising; _

_ I’m ready for the worst. _

Kakashi put his head in his hands, ignoring the tightness forming in his chest and through his arms. He had this under control. He’d be fine. This was nothing new to him and he would figure it out. It would be over in no time. There was nothing to worry about. It would be over soon. Soon, soon, soon. How soon was soon? Why were his fingers tingling? He ran them through the tangled strands on his head, focusing on the way his scalp stung with every tug on the worst of the knots. 

_ So frightening, face whitening; _

_ Fear that you can’t reverse. _

That worked for a while, until his knuckles hurt and his wrists were starting to get sore from all the frantic movement. Kakashi cracked each knuckle, gritting his teeth at the pain. But not the pain from his fingers; the pain in his lungs that stopped him from properly inhaling oxygen. His face was starting to tingle now, so he gripped the sides of the bed he lied on and willed it away. Of course, that didn’t work. 

_ My phone has no signal,  _

_ It’s making my skin crawl; _

_ The silence is so loud. _

How did he end up here in the first place? Right. He’d woken up from another nightmare. He almost forgot, but then the memory of a violent bolt of lightning going through a young girl’s heart flashed in his head and he lost his breath. He choked, on what, he didn’t know; trembling all over now. It wouldn’t stop, and he felt so, so cold. There was no part of his body that was still, so much so that the bed shook with him. Kakashi’s lungs were on fire now, he clutched at his arms, scrabbling for purchase he would never find.

_ The lights spark and flicker, _

_ With monsters much bigger _

_ That I can control now. _

Memories of everyone he’d killed were playing on repeat and he felt like he’d never be able to move again with how heavy they weighed on him. He hadn’t notice how aggressively he was digging his nails into his skin, instead zeroing in on the blood starting to form in small droplets. It sent him into an even bigger frenzy, making him feel unclean. The shinobi had no idea what to do with himself. He’d be okay, it was alright, nothing was wrong, he just needed to calm down, there was no need to panic, he would be okay- he coughed, trying to catch his breath to no avail. His whole body was numb now, but he still shook like a freezing man in a desert at night.

_ Welcome to the panic room; _

_ Where all your darkest fears are gonna _

_ Come for you, come for you. _

_ Welcome to the panic room; _

_ You’ll know I wasn’t joking when you _

_ See them too, see them too. _

Kakashi thought he was going to die.

_ Still waiting, hands shaking; _

_ Maybe the coast will clear. _

He didn’t have a heart left. He had a void; a vacuum for all his misery to settle in and drain him of all his energy. Shaking and hyperventilating, he walked himself into his bathroom and started scrubbing at his hands with all the vigor he could muster. It wouldn’t wash off; all the blood on his hands; all the guilt and responsibility and betrayal that rested in his hands, it wouldn’t come off and he couldn’t hold himself anymore. He was so lightheaded his head felt like it would pop. His legs gave out under him. 

_ But these voices, these strange noises; _

_ They followed me in here. _

It was so deafening, the sound of his heart pounding in his ears. Kakashi plasted his sweaty palms against his ears to silence it, but that only served to amplify the sound. His chest ached now, all of his muscles cried out with the urge to be still, but he couldn’t do it. Blood was surfing his body so quickly, he felt like he was electrified. His chakra, he did not notice, was accelerating everything all the more. No part of him was functioning properly right now and his brain had turned into mush stuck on repeat. 

_ There’s no crying wolves now, _

_ Cause the truth has settled in. _

_ Hiding under goose down,  _

_ For your nightmare to begin. _

Kakashi crumbled under his weight, sinking onto the floor with no plan in mind to get up. He’d given up trying to convince himself that he would be okay, long succumbing to the awful thoughts in his head. There was no use in fighting it. He was pathetic. Useless. A killer. A fiend. A cold-blooded beast. A tool. A miserable bastard. 

_ Welcome to the panic room; _

_ Where all your darkest fears are gonna  _

_ Come for you, come for you. _

_ Welcome to the panic room; _

_ You’ll know I wasn’t joking when you _

_ See them too, see them too. _

Kakashi thought he wouldn’t mind dying.

_ Hell raising, hell raising; _

_ I’m ready for the worst.  _

Maybe he would. He certainly deserved it.

**Author's Note:**

> Panic Room has been living in my head rent free since 2018 so I figured I'd do something with it. Sorry, Kakashi.


End file.
